HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
i'll be working 9-2 tomorrow then heading to my aunts so an update is doubtful.
a quick recap of my day:
worked till 1030. talked to sean! shopped 1230-2.
ate pizza & took care of the baby<3333
baked cakes in jars with the FMIL...hours later they look awful..ew.
did mad crafting for Sean and painted three frames (two for the twins).
used a hot glue gun and got burned numerous times >fail<
Ashley ended up coming over after work and idk what we've been doing.
i think we're mostly in the same room together with occasional conversation haha.
she made fun of me for the failure of my crafts :( now she's doing my puzzle.
such friendship! jkkkk<3
k bye!

in my attempt to do an update more often here i am 3 days later lol.
this weekend was quite good and i can't say i have any complaints.
i barely remember work on Friday but i know i spent almost two hours with a rolling pin lol.
oh jeez! i just remembered the things we cooked are in my microwave! yum<3 lol
Ashley was supposed to see a movie but ended up sleeping over instead?
we wrote more christmas cards while watching Ever After..she of course fell asleep lol
Saturday morning we got up bright & early to go to the christmas wrapping for Operation Troop Support.
when we got there, there were two soldiers in uniform >sigh<
we worked on more christmas cards then did some wrapping.
Sean's parents and his aunt all showed up...but not together so i entertained said aunt for awhile.
i was sad to leave an hour & a half before the end for work.
i feel so comfortable at things like that because...just about everyone knows what it's like!
Ashley thanked both the soldiers for serving...and they both said something like "it's no big deal"
OF COURSE IT'S A BIG DEAL! lol how can they really be that modest? oh ya know..just defending the country..
anywho, i'm not at that point yet..i get awfully nervous around the military still lol.

soo after that i came to work and left right away to go shopping with Ashley & one of the clients.
i went to Michaels, the tree of dollars (as Sean puts it) and Target.
Sean texted my phone!!! i was soo happy :) he made me laugh and told me about a sweet dream he had<3
i bought things to make a xmas frame and crafty stuff for his xmas care package.
then i bought a bunch of things to put in it and an army birthday bag haha.
hopefully noone notices the bag though because if he got the birthday treatment i'd be so sad for him.
i know it happens to just about everyone..but his birthday is on christmas.
it's bad enough he's away from family for the holidays. but to be tortured as well? come now.
anyways, after all the shopping i came back to work and watched Iron Man.
the rest of work flew by then i headed to Ashley's moms house to play cards.
i didn't do too bad and actually won a little money (we only played with change!)
we nearly passed out around 11 and at 12a headed to Sonic.
they took forever and the food wasn't all that good. headed to Ashley's..PASSED OUT.

i woke up all morning because i am so not used to sleeping in.
Sean sent me a one sentence email:
"Dear Debrapoo, i'm not supposed to be on right now. i love you. that is all"
he's adorable and i love him to death<3 he made a ton of effort this past week to be online.
i'm sure it's mostly due in part to how freakin depressed i was the week before.
i hope he realizes how much i appreciate him, as if i don't write it in every email haha.
anyways! :) we packed a bunch of Ashley's room up and around 3 headed to IHOP.
such slow service there as well. wtf? lol. then went to Plaster Fun Time!!!
we didn't have enough time to paint so we only paid & put the primer on.
we're gonna go back tomorrow night & finish.
i'm making Sean a wall thing of Godzilla haha. it's part of his bday present.
not that he has any special affinity for Godzilla but whatever. it's manly...ish lol.
after that i headed to [other] Ashley's house to see the baby!
Anastasia came home on Friday after 26days in the hospital<3
i got to see them give her a bath which was sooo cute lol.
then they got her all dressed and i got to feed her! quite exciting for me.
i'm not so good at the burping because i'm so nervous about slapping her on the back hah.
they let me hold her a bunch and even left me alone standing there with her while they did laundry.
she told me the other day they both trust me completely with their girls.
even more than her mom & nana because they disagree with the doctor's orders...
so within a few weeks i'm gonna start babysitting and take them overnight sometimes.
[friends take no offense!] the thing i'm most upset about with moving...
is that i'm going to miss them growing up :\
i missed Ashley's wedding and the birth of her daughters..and now i'll be moving away.

everything will work out!! <3

this semester is absolutely FLYING by! only three weeks left after tomorrow.
Ashley is coming over to write cards & cook dinner..suddenly i'm quite hungry.
i went to the gym all of once this week. i really need to start going again.
i miss the confidence i had from exercising and getting more toned.
Emily said it looked like four people were living in my house..excuse to pack?!?!
hope everyone has a *swell* weekend :]

skipping class was a very good idea. i couldn't nap because i was crying too much.
however when i finally gave up on sleep Sean came online and made me feel better.
he always does. i don't know what i'd do without him, i really don't.
hard rock cafe was alright. food was over priced and not so good but i had good company.
got a wooden postcard with owls on it! & a book for Sean :] two bucks totallll!
today went by slow but was okay. soon after i got to work Sean got on aim and imed my phone.
the second my boss left i ran upstairs to the computer.
he waited in line for two hours to get on the computer and it was after midnight when he did.
i can't believe he waited so long that late at night considering he had to be up at 6am.
he said he'd try to call after his patrol tomorrow so i'm hoping he does.
everything with school is still really stupid & messed up. today i found out most classes are full.
it's getting more & more appealing to take the semester off. but i can't do that.
i really want to get a second job but haven't put in any applications yet.
tomorrow will hopefully be a good day.
getting school stuff fixed, class, staff meeting, filming with Molly, aand idk what at night?

three hours into my day and i'm already crying.
nothing seems to work out anymore and i'm on the verge of giving up.
i'm always sad because i miss Sean.
this stupid horrible pathetic excuse of a college is so difficult all the time.
it's given me nothing but hassles since i transferred.
fuck this school & my crying. i'm not going to class today.
i don't even know if i can go to the doctors today but i cant get through to talk to them.
i need to change my routine even if it's a little.
hopefully for the next week i'm going to spend minimal time online.
i probably won't read my friends page and i'm going to do my best to stay off facebook.

i'm steadily becoming more and more unhappy.
it seems like i hear from Sean less each week.
he's always on missions or having comms blackouts it seems.
i know he's on deployment. i know i can't expect to talk to him everyday, and i don't.
but i miss him all the time and it's getting harder to focus on things.
it's like i'm becoming weaker instead of stronger.
i'm sure i'll have a "good week" again soon but they are few & far between.
even when i'm having fun or laughing i still feel like crying right after.
the fact that my job is getting worse is probably contributing to my moods.
i just need to get out of here. i need to move away to NC and be happy.
but now that isn't even something great to look forward to because now
i'm worried he'll get redeployed within a few months.
thank you FFIL for putting that in my head and worrying me more.
i'm not cut out to be an army wife permanately. i don't think i could do another deployment.
i've spent majority of the last five years with either him or alone.
my mom was barely around and i rarely see family so he makes home.
idk. this doesn't seem to be making sense. but i can't bear another year without him.

i want a break from life, from the army, from everything.
i'm tired of wishing the day would end so i could sleep away 6hours.
i'm tired of wanting to cry every time something military related is anywhere.
i'm just so sick of everything. nothing seems good anymore.
i want my happiness to last more than a hangout with a friend.
longer than it takes me to read an email or a ten minute phone call from Sean.
as promised he called me yesterday when he got off guard duty 1am his time.
i didn't think he'd call because something always comes up when he wants to call.
two minutes into the call he said he had to go and i was crying.
he asked if i was okay, i managed out a 'yeah'..to which i got "ya lying to me?"
::long pause to compose myself:: yeah. he called me a jerk and i laughed...
then went back to crying. i feel like a horrible fiance.

he's exhausted and just trying to make me happy and all i can do is cry
because the phone call is only three minutes long.
after i hung up i only tried to calm down for a minute before giving up and going back to Ashley.
then of course she managed to make me laugh: don't cry!!...STOP CRYING!! haha
this weekend was so long. i do more in a weekend then the whole week it seems.
friday was class & i missed a call from sean. left class to go cry in the hallway.
had work 3-10 and stayed up till two watching army wives with ashley.
saturday morning i helped pack a uhaul truck up then worked 11-9.
we watched some more army wives. at 10 i drove to another program for the asleep overnight.
left at 830 this morning to head to yet another program and worked 9-5.
the people were driving me crazy today and i was just so unhappy as it was.
i met Gail at Kohls to give her car insurance and i had intended on asking her for a hug.
but she was with her friend and we don't hug that way as it is so i refrained.
i left work late and headed up to the hospital.
when i got there i immediately asked (other) Ashley for a hug. she was sketched out but obliged.
i got to hold one of the girls for almost a half hour and that cheered me up a bit.
when i left i hugged Ashley for at least a minute then headed home, sad again.

blah. i have so much reading to do and short answer questions to do for tomorrow.
tomorrow will be busy too so i won't be able to go online at all & hope for Sean.
class in the morning then straight to the doctors which is like 35mins away i think.
theen Emily & I are heading into Boston. we'll be at the hard rock cafe from like 630-9ish.
i always have fun with her so at least i'll have a good night.
this is long. and depressing. and boring. sorry. hope everyone has a good week<3

 hey all, this may seem a bit random but for me it's not because i love mail so much lol.
someone posted this link in a postcard swap community i'm in.
She was born in 1986 and was diagnosed with Leukemia at age 3. 
She has survived cancer three times and was recently diagnosed with it again.
So the point of this..apparently she loves receiving mail.
I intend to send her at least a couple letters and maybe a postcard or two.
So, if you like sending mail or maybe just want to make someone smile
follow the link, copy down her address & send her some mail :]

sheisourangel.blogspot.com/2009/11/ready-or-not.html

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.
- Chinese proverb

pretty sure this one can be personalized but idk what i'd put yet.
i think i'm gonna buy one for his parents as well

Nicole your guy is to the right! lol

 oh! i almost forgot.
while i was at my aunts house today Sean was online for the second day in a row
so she let me use her computer and we chatted for about a half hour!
although i felt bad for suddenly abandoning the person i was visiting she understood.
especially since earlier i had told her that nowadays i'm OCD with my phone
so she wouldn't think i was being rude for checking it all the time.
okay going to beeeeed! goodnight everyone :]

 okay it's taking all my motivation to do an actual update so here goes. this weekend was absolutely exhausting and so very long. bitch coworker still isn't talking to me. i dislike her more & more by the week. after work on friday i spent my in between hour at stop & shop with Ashley lol. she did some "food shopping" aka frozen pizza, cookies & yogurt hah. then she came with me to work and we watche Horton Hears A Who..soo funny! i loved it :] we pigged out on crappy food which isn't doing much for my hopes of losing weight by March..mm. after Horton we started Sweet Home Alabama and by 1am she was knocked out. i kept telling her to go home but there she laid until after 130 lol. after she left i finished the movie watched a bit of CSI checked to see if Sean had been online and by then it was 4am. around 420 i decided to just sleep the rest of the night and at 450 i woke up to a text from Sean. he was online! as much as i missed him it took alot of strength to get back up. i had seen on the 82nd fan page that two paratroopers had gone missing on weds so i figured there had been a comms black out and i was right. he got online the soonest he could<3 those four days were miserable without him though. anywho, we only talked for about 15mins and he had to go so i went back to my spot on the couch and slept till 830. 

at 9 i got off went home and laid down with intentions of getting up at 1050 for my 11am shift..and suddenly it was 1140 and i was late! grr. luckily my commute is a flight of stairs lol. work was grueling to say the least. i felt wide awake from about 12-1 and then my exhaustion hit me. around 230 i headed to walmart to do birthday shopping for one of the individuals because i knew if i waited any longer i'd never leave. i bought myself a pair of brown moccasin esque shoes. definitely need to be worn with some type of foot cover thing because they rub (i learned that the hard way today). when i got back my two favorite toddlers were there :D they're adorable and always brighten my day. eventually 9p rolled around and i went upstairs. at 930 i laid down while i waited for Ashley to get out of work. she finally called me around 10 and boy were my eyes pissed at me for being open haha. we went and saw the Grinch in 3-D. terrible movie. don't see it. had like two funny parts but was overall just weird & stupid. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE MADE ME PAY $15 FOR THAT CRAP! it didn't help that i was cranky so i sat there complaining about the price for a good five minutes :x lol. i got home stripped & passed the fuck out.

todayyy i woke up at 9 when i was supposed to have left at 830. my ipod was on silent thus the alarm doesn't go off. way to go Debra. i was in my car 20mins later and speeding to Maine. nearly sped by a cop doing 85 in a 65 but managed to slow down and i don't think he noticed. when i saw him though his brake lights had just gone off/on so i thought he was getting ready to pull on to pull me over. scarrred me lol. finally got to my aunt & uncles house and we headed to breakfast. she had bought me this tiny little pouch and my uncle (who is funny as ever) was like "wait wait..listen.." and he squeezes it so you can hear the sound of money crinkling inside haha. i thought it was a $20 but upon inspection later i realized it was a fifty! i was pumped. she also threw $20 at me for gas when i hadn't said a word about it. when we got back we took the dog out in the yard who is crazy  & hyper but gave me all the love i could want. i SO wish i could have a dog during this deployment. sucks being in this gay apartment.

anyways, he left for work shortly after and me n my aunt just hung out. i can't manage to call her aunty. she's in the family by marriage and i don't see her often at all, maybe once a year. idk it just doesn't feel natural. anywho, we decided to go to antique stores and did just that. there's a million in Maine. legit one every mile, sometimes two. i only really liked one of them because the stuff inside was freakin awesome and i wanted all of it..too bad it was ridiculously expensive lol. we got back to the house around 4? and hung out and i played with the dog. she gave me the whole series of True Blood books. didn't even know there were books. she always gives me books she's read when i come up there which i LOVE because books are great. plus she gave me one of her coach bags because she doesnt use it anymore. we ate dinner and around quarter of 7 i headed home. once again i FLEW by a statie but this time he pulled out as soon as i got near him. i freaked the fuck out. lucky for me a car had blew by me probably doing 90 and i was doing 80 at the time and had just started to speed up again as i got to the cop. i barely managed to slow down and def couldnt use my brake because it would have been obvious. to my relief he pulled the other guy over<3 lol. 

now i'm finally home and trying to decide if i should get in bed and read or watch desperate housewives. i've missed the last two weeks so idk if i should bother watching the newest one. tomorrow night i'm going over the MIL house to make caramel apples for Sean and his friends! and one for myself of course. we're supposed to go look at my wedding dress because it came in a month ago and i still haven't gone in to make sure it fits properly. idk why it wouldn't considering there were no alterations done...mm. completely forgot to call and make the appt though so hopefully when i call in the morning they don't have a busy night. i'm a bit concerned that it will be tighter than it was the beginning of september..yeah. i weighed myself at my aunts house because i know her scale is accurate and with all my clothes on & a full tummy i'm 146. when i go to the gym i get down to 142 in about a week because that's my average weight. the goal is to be at about 135 by the wedding or..R&R?!?! lol no way can i lose 10lbs by March though, i'm not disciplined at all. tomorrow i am most assuredly going to the gym though and emily & i are hitting up both yoga classes this week. my triceps are STILL sore from the workout with the trainer last Tuesday. he freakin killed me. okay this is super long! if you made it to the end much love to you<3

how was everyone's weekend?

i'm so tired. i'd love to be sleeping right now but i have to go to the store.
im dying to go to the movies or rent a bunch of them but alas, i have no time.
class. work 3-10. work 11-9am. work 11-9pm. Maine bright & early Sunday.
hope everyone has a good weekend! 

the bridal expo was kinda lame on wednesday but i had a great time with Ashley.
i always find myself laughing with her...and driving badly haha.
i didn't win anything for the second time in a row..clearly my lucky streak is over :(
i haven't talked to Sean since Monday. he sent a two sentence email late Tuesday  night saying he got a flu shot..
this week has absolutely dragged on. it just will not end.
plus i had 3 tests and was assigned a BIG final paper. 
this weekend won't be any better because of the insane amounts of work and lack of sleep i'll be getting.
tonight i had the goal of revising the guest list & typing it up for Sean..didn't get anywhere near doing that.
however i did send Sean a lengthy email with funny pictures, jokes & quotes to hopefully brighten his day.
tomorrow i have to go to the store to buy some microwaveable turkey dinners for his package.
it doesn't feel complete and i'm convinced i'm forgetting something. it came out quite well so far though.
i was at school all afternoon so i missed all the news reports about Ft Hood. i'm kinda glad.
that would have just added more unhappiness to my day. i can't even believe something like that happened.
it's truly scary to think about soldiers coming home from war..and then getting shot at on american soil as well.

 so tired every single dayyy.
so last night i got home around 8 took a shower and climbed in bed by 930. 
shut the light off by 1030 and for once i feel rested. took me longer to get going though.
joined another gym..need to get out of the other contract.
today is my first day going and emily joined too so i'll see her again :]
had a great day yesterday which i'll post about it later perhaps.
once again didn't get a chance to study for todays test...whoops.

ps, i can't wait for this:
www.youtube.com/watch

 i've spent halloween weekend at work but i'm okay with it.
tonight i intend to watch movies with Ashley W when she gets out of work.
and we're gonna order pizza..although i'm pretty full on candy so we'll see how that goes...
saw Where the Wild Things Are today fo freeeee.
half the time i didn't know if i was happy or if i was going to burst into tears.
does anybody else miss the days when their emotions weren't so completely out of whack? i do.

 for as late as i stay up and for as much time that i spend on the computer i just can't seem to update consistently. tuesday i was absolutely exhausted so i napped then had class at 12 and work at 2. work was okay, i had to take someone to an appt and it was so boring. no idea why my book wasn't in my purse. i stole one of the pumpkins from my work and carved it up with Ashley again. we didn't do nearly as good as sunday. pretty much all my coworkers gave me crap for my pumpkin because one of the parts popped out so it's just a big hole...bah.